One Wet Cough

We were awake today at 3:15 am and every 10 minutes after that until 5:30am. I have no idea what is happening to my angelic sleeper. Sloane cried her way thru her way last night. We have no idea what is going on. Teeth? Reflux? Nightmares? Separation Anxiety? Sloane came home from the NICU sleeping thru the night. When we would plug her in at 3 am, she would sleep right thru it many nights. A trained sleeper was on the bonus package from the NICU. I may need a crash course from them to get back on schedule. Sleep deprivation is mind altering. 


I think now is a good time to mention that when Sloane came home from the NICU 7+ weeks after her arrival in the world, I was not alone with her at all. I am not embarrassed to say that I was afraid to be. When SJ was 1st transferred to the NICU for turning dusky (aka BLUE) while she nursed one night, I became afraid of her. I can remember telling the neo-natal specialist in tears "I am afraid of my child. Do you know how that feels?" As time went on I wasn't afraid of Sloane any longer. I was just afraid. Thankfully, we had a contingent of women and men around us willing to help. There was actually a schedule for the first few weeks so I would have company. My husband was traveling for work therefore I always had someone staying with me. As time went on, that dwindled away. And life in our home became normal..... if you call me going to bed at 8 and setting an alarm for 2am to take over so my husband could sleep 2am to  6am?? While Sloane was on the tube during the night, sleep wasn't an option. The schedule was grueling at the very least. I don't know what we would have done without our families and friends during that time. 


Once you child turns dusky/blue in your arms, you have that memory etched in you. It is what I always fear. I can remember the night vividly. Sloane's day 3 of life. My cousin, his other half, and one of my dearest friends came to visit us at the hospital and I couldn't compose myself. I just cried and cried. I think I knew deep down that something was wrong with my daughter and that's when the fear began to grow. 


Today that fear came crashing back. The moment was ordinary...a diaper change that was accompanied by a loud wet cough. At first, I thought it was reflux but then it followed by a few more. I carried on trying to ignore the fear building inside. We began our all girl's day with cuzzy, her mom, grammie and ti-ti. Of course, I mentioned the cough but by then there was a husky voice and a slight wheeze.  I look to one of the seasoned moms to put my fears at rest but by the end of the day, they too were concerned. During the course of the drive home, Sloane begins to sound like Darth Vader and I am physically sick to my stomach. At this point, I am so afraid that I can't get myself off the edge of the cliff. I am right back to the mom of a 3 day old who turned dusky. I am overcome by the possibility that Sloane may have a respiratory illness and that would open the flood gates to ???On my drive home, I am physically telling myself in my head that even if Sloane has pneumonia she will not turn dusky and stop breathing. I am scarred. One wet cough, one sniffle, one wheeze can send me to the edge. If you have a child with no medical issues, it is something that I can't explain or share with you. I know it is irrational. 


So here I am, waiting for the next 13 hours to pass quickly. On high alert as we call it. The ped thinks we may be battling our 2nd bout of croup this season which pisses me off since we just recuperated from hand, foot, mouth. I don't get. I know we can't live in a bubble but somedays it would be easier!!! We will see our ped in the morning to get the diagnosis. At that point I will put mr. fear back into its special place in my heart.