A Mom For Rent?

I have been getting more familiar with my blog these past few days. I was unaware that this site tracks how many page reviews I get each day. Yikes!!! Checking my stats has become addictive. I am happy to see that some people are following along even if i don't know who some of you are! I will say that I wish I had started this blog earlier. I have some distant friends who blog their daughter's health progress and I was initially blown away by their courage and openness. I understand now what a gift they not only gave their families but a gift they gave themselves.  Blogging could have been/is a great way to share info on Sloane's journey with all the people in our circle of trust...we could have saved lots of texts, emails and phone calls. I'm thinking from here on..this will be it!! No more group text!! I'm sure some of our followers are thrilled to hear that.  I love to document info or rather publicize it as my hubby says!

There is a reason for all the documenting happening in our house that may not make much sense to anyone but me. I do not have a mother. I miss my mother and her mothering everyday. I believe a mother fills in all the gaps for you. She holds your memories as secure as a treasure box. A mom documents your memories in her heart. Since I lost my mother 15 years ago, I have been trying to fill gaps in my life. Something as simple as "what time was I born?" became an investigation for me. I asked everyone and most times didn't believe them. I needed it from my mom...written on the back of my 1st baby picture in her handwriting. Case closed. I do have a wonderful father but a father is a father and a mother is mother. My dad, as most men in his generation, does not recall the intimate details I long for.

Becoming a mother has made the fact that I am motherless even more emotional. My mother and I had a very healthy parent-child-friend relationship. It is very difficult for me to be mom without having a mom.  I do have many "mothering woman" around me that are the closest thing to a mom I can have. I am blessed with a heart full of love from these woman. I am sure there are times that their own children get tired of me borrowing their mom. Times when I call with too many questions about having a child. Times when I share the silliest info about Sloane with them. Times when they get frustrated because as open as I am, I won't let them in completely. My mil just reminded last week that it is okay with her her if I call her mom. We had a very nice chat about it.  I have tried to work on my walls but I am forever motherless. That is not to say Sloane is grandmother-less. My daughter has 2 amazing  grandmothers (nonni & grammie) and a ti-ti that loves her as her own. Sloane does not have a gap anywhere. My female family/friends all have wonderful mothers and I envy all of their relationships. I watch them share days with their moms, I watch their moms come to their rescue countless times, I watch them share their lives with their moms and I am beyond sad. I long for that. I have actually been known to borrow a mom, that is not related to me, from one of my friends. To me she is a mom through and through...4 children, 3 grandchildren. She has seen it all. I call her for advice, thoughts, and general questions.  I am sure her own daughters think I am nuts for calling their mom, but she always graciously accepts my questions and re-affirms that I am mothering Sloane just fine. For me, in my heart and mind, no one does things the way my mom did so I ask all the mothering woman around me and then compile what I think my mother would say.  Most times, when I have an issue with Sloane, babysitting or being a new mom...a resort back to the childish saying "if mommy was here...." When I am at my breaking point, I call my brother because he gets it.... without any flowery words....he gets the rawness of it.  Being a first time mom is emotional enough, not to have the woman who mothered you in this world to guide you along can be a loaded gun!

I document, I publicize, I journal, I label, I plastic bin. I do all of these things so if Sloane is ever motherless, she will not have gaps. I never want Sloane to feel gaps as I do. She will not need to investigate. She will see her world documented in her mother's handwriting.