A Crevice

I love when I say "oh, that will never happen." and it does. You would think I would learn!!

 Case in point.

On Tuesday, my sister in law had an Easter party for the girls. As a side note, my fabulous niece and daughter are exactly 9 months apart and get closer by the day so things are getting fun, fun, fun. My sister in law is like Martha Stewart. No joke. Some people think I am a bit of a Martha, but I am nothing compared to my brother's wife. At the Easter party, there was an Easter egg hunt, a table set up for Easter egg coloring complete with any decal you could dream of, custom bunny ears to wear and a bunny friendly lunch. Very Martha Stewart done!

As we were chatting with mimi (my niece's grandmother) and titi, I announced how well the big girl bed was going. We all talked about its placement in the room and how it was a perfect location for Sloane's bed. Mimi had mentioned that because children sleep in odd ways, falling out of a bed was commonplace. Not at our house was my response. Being sunken in a nook with the 2 side rails to boot, I stated it was almost impossible for Sloane to fall out of the bed. And I believed that until last night.

Let me paint the scene.  My hubby is traveling so last night was what I would call a night off! Like a mini mom vacation!! It looks a bit like this: a major dance party in our new kitchen (complete with tutus on our heads and music that isnt exactly Nickelodeon approved), a hodge podge dinner, lots of playing with no clean-up, a full laundry basket, dishes in the sink waiting for a rinse, a longer snuggle in bed than usual, and then the real fun begins!! I tucked Sloane in at 8:30 and my mommy time began! LOL A hot shower thats long enough for 5 people, some pampering in the bathroom, a chick flick rented on On Demand, non-stop pinterest browsing, a late night non nutritional snack, numerous walks around the house to check for intruders, an occasional glass of wine, a very late bedtime and the tv on all night!!

In between the snack and the wine, I heard it. BOOM! and then the cries. I was startled, but knew exactly what had happened! Sloane had fallen out of the bed!! As I rounded the corner into her room, I thought Id see her at the foot of the bed on the floor. But she wasnt there. What the f**k? ?? Where is she?? And then I saw her.

Sloane had fallen out of the bed in the smallest cervice possible. The front corner before the bed rail began. She was standing up, holding her lovey crying. I honestly dont even know what the boom was. Did she fall on her bottom, back, head and then stand up??? I dont think so because the cervice she fell into is 6 inches wide by 15 inches long. I measured it...I have been measuring things for our home reno for months so that seemed reasonable.
6 inches wide by 15...really isnt big enough for a fall?? I didnt understand it. It was odd!

Sloane was fine after I wedged her out of the crevice. Truly, she was almost stuck because it was so tight! LOL I gave her a snuggle, checked her out with lights on and then tucked her back in. I stuffed the crevice with pillows for any further mishaps. I wouldnt be honest if I didnt say, I checked on her 5 more times to be sure all was okay and considered taking her into bed with me.

Maybe now, Ill learn to not say "that'll never happen"!!

Game Changer???

It should be surprising to everyone that I got mail today from Children's for a swallow study on April 30th at 10:15. I opened the the packet and actually said out loud "This is wrong. Sloane doesn't have a swallow study." And I said it outloud with such conviction. It took about 15 seconds and then the dots connected with a big BAM! Ummm, yes, Tarra, Sloane does have a swallow study on April 30th right before she sees Dr. Rahbar. 

How I couldn't have forgotten is fucking beyond me!? Dr. Rahbar's followup appointment is etched in my mind, but the swallow study got lost in between Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, potty training, a big girl bed and a major home renovation. I guess on a positive note, we are are so removed from monthly swallowing therapy services and Dr. Rahbar visits that our next swallow study wasn't on my radar. We haven't seen Dr. Rahbar or Kara  since October and we haven't had a swallow study since May 2012. On a realistic note, as soon as it settled in, I thought about April 30th and what could happen. 

We are pros at swallow studies. We have had positive results and we have had swallow studies that have left me crying the whole ride home from Children's.  

I think I have enjoyed not having the medical information on Sloane's swallow. It is easier to not know whether Sloane is aspirating. Once we have the hard cold facts that she is, the game changes. I, in the past, have been the drink nazi. Controlling every sip, monitoring every sippy cup, and attaching myself to Sloane as she drinks. I do not want to wear that hat again. I want Sloane to keep her drinking independence. But if I know she is aspirating, I have to get involved in her drinking. I will be thinking about the swallows dripping into her lungs with each gurgle, cough, and noise. I hear and see those now but because Sloane has been healthy, other than her pneumonia episode in late December, and because I don't know if they are really aspirations....I let them go. 

With  that being said, am I looking forward to our swallow study on April 30th? Yes. It is time for us to get some hard, cold facts on Sloane's laryngeal cleft and her swallowing ability in regards to liquids in their natural form. 

Free Spirit

Anyone who knows me, would probably tell you that I am a social butterfly as well as a bit goofy. Being reserved is something I save for when I am in a group of people I dont know (for the 1st 15 minutes that is) and for a situation that I am uncomfortable in. The general public will also confirm that Sloane looks exactly like her father. There is truly no-one who would disagree. We occasionally see glimpses of some other family members but they are fleeting. On the same token, no-one would disagree that my daughter has my personality. She is as much of a free spirit as I am and unfortunately (in some eyes...not mine though) is as silly at times.

A very wise person told me once, that one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make is to squash a child's spirit. I remember that daily. Sloane is out there bopping through her world and we love it!! Her nonni thinks singing classes. One of her best buds, Nessa, thinks music classes.  I dont doubt that there maybe a play in her future. After all, I was Mrs. Claus in the 2nd grade production of The Night Before Christmas! LOL

As I watch Sloane in dance class on Fridays (yes, I am surviving watching her from the window), I remind myself about her spirit. Sloane eagerly bops around the room as she smiles the most beautiful smile while the other children stand still and look on. Sloane pulls her tu-tu as high as she can get it giggling the whole time while the other children keep theirs neat and tidy. Sloane runs to the window, that I stalk her thru, and makes silly faces at me while the other children keep their eyes on Miss Sandy. As I shake my head and laugh inside (sometimes out loud), I am comforted when the other moms laugh with me or say things like "Look at Sloane. She loves it." or "I wish my daughter could be as comfortable as Sloane." or "Sloane is the cutest thing ever doing her own thing in class. She is pretty awesome." 

I am thankful that Sloane is as spirited as she is. I believe that her spirit is what has helped her come as far as she has in the laryngeal cleft world. I think that Sloane is as spirited as she is because of all the medical interventions that happened to her in the first year of life. And lastly, I wish I could be as spirited as Sloane is and wear my tu-tu as high as I can get it. 

Move Mountains....

I know everyone is wondering how the BIG switch went. We are 2 days in and both nights during dinner Sloane asked if it was nite nite time yet and remind us that she wants to sleep in her bed alone! She has napped in her bed. She hasnt climbed out of her bed. She has wanted to sit on her bed and relax. We are hoping we keep moving in a positive direction. So as the saying says.......

The Big Switch

So it is official! There is a big girl bed in my daughter's room. I can not believe it. My hubby and I did the big switch this morning with Sloane following us around chomping at the bit to get on her big girl bed. As I sit here blogging, she is taking her first nap in her bed. And it wasnt until I saw her teeny tiny little being tucked into this big bed that I shed a tear. We have turned a corner. Sloane is a big girl! 

Taking the crib down didnt bother me as much as I thought it would. Many of my friends have been emotional about it with their own children and a few in our circle of trust were all "nooooo, she is a baby. dont do it yet." when we told them. It truly didnt bother me. There was a minute when we turned her crib into the toddler bed this morning that I thought: Stop! Leave it like that for a few months. But that thought was fleeting and so the whole crib was dismantled and the queen size bed was screwed together. My adult life has been about constant change for the past 20 years. Evolving, growing, moving forward...so I guess the big girl bed, for me, falls into that same thought process. 

I did think about the big switch all week and yesterday had a heart to heart with my hubby about it. It wasnt not seeing the crib anymore that was bothering me, it was how fast time has gone by. The fact that I have raised a child who is big enough for a bed. Where has the time go? Everyone tells you....it flies by. You just dont believe them. In the past 2 months, Sloane has been potty trained, started going to recreational classes alone and now sleeps my old adult bed. Its enough to make you shake your head!!

As with all milestones, there is an adjustment period. the next week or 2 will be interesting. Will she be afraid when she wakes up in her new bed? Will Sloane call for us when she wakes up or try to hurtle the bed rails to come into our room??? Will she actually sleep or will the novelty get her all in a tizz? I guess we shall see, but for now there is a teeny tiny princess sleeping in a very big queen sized bed in my house!! 

Slow, Slower, Slowly,

Everybody Sloooowwwww Down........

1. I think the wheeze has left the building....I am only hearing it when Sloane is active. We have to slow her down at times.

2. We did not put Sloane in her big girl bed yet. I got cold feet and choose to blame the mattress cleaner, who didn't return my call in a timely fashion, rather than coming clean with the people around me. I want her slow down growing fast. 

3. I, not only, got in one car accident last week, but I also was involved in another one. No more than 24 hours later. 2 fender benders in 2 different vehicle. No one was hurt in any way, but nevertheless it is not ideal on any level. I think the higher powers are trying to send me a message to slow down some. 

4. We live in a one level with only 2 stairs dividing the main living area and what do I do.....slip down them and break a toe. I am always amazed at how one tiny broken bone can hurt so much. I am most upset because my speed on the treadmill now is slow, very very slow. 

5. Spring ahead is not a toddler's friend. Sloane is all off her game. Her sleep patterns are messed up and she needs an attitude adjustment today! lol In our house this week, spring ahead means take each day this week slowly. 

6. The word school hasn't settled in our home yet. It is still flying around and I'm chasing it around daily thinking the ticking clock of "will tarra go back to school?" needs to move slower.

7. A Sip Of Heaven has some new laryngeal cleft mom followers and a new calm has come over me to share in their journeys. It reminds me to stop and think about what could have been happening in our home if Sloane's diagnosis came in a slower manner. 

8. I am 1/2 through the story of Sloane's Journey for Dr. Rahbar's upcoming Laryngeal Cleft web page. It is emotionally difficult to take a trip back to those very dark first days. I am moving very slowly on it....almost a snail's pace.

School Days

The word school is floating around my house like a piece of dust that never settles long enough to wipe away. School as in: what preschool will Sloane go to in September and when will Tarra go back her teaching job at school in September. The word school is really getting under my skin.

I know that Sloane is ready to go to school. Call it mother's intuition OR the fact that Sloane puts on her backpack, dancing shoes every morning and then looks me dead in the face and says
"bye, mom (I'm no longer momma or mommy). I leave you now. I'm going to school to play with the kids" and my heart aches. Sloane will be 3 in July, although most days it feels like she is already 6.

Truth be told, if it wasnt cold/flu season I would have already put her in a pre-school program. She is ready and I am not. I am embarrassed to say that I am not ready for Sloane to leave 2 1/2 hours 3X a day. In fact, I am not ready for her new dance class this Friday which is the big girl's class.....meaning moms arent allowed in the room!!! I have already started internally obsessing about it. This will be the first time I have let Sloane go somewhere without my shadow trailing right behind. My hubby loves to bust my balls about Sloane going school to the point that I tear up. She is so excited to go to school! I do want her to be independent, but I want her to want to be with her momma just the same. That's the first reason why our constant dinner conversation revolves around school......

The other reason school comes up is the million dollar question. Sloane going to preschool is a definite, me going back to teaching in September is not exactly a definite.
So each day, someone says:
are you going back to school?
when are you going back to school?
do you want to go back to school?
how long will school hold your classroom?
what will you do if you do not go back to school?


I know I need a life of my own. In 2 short years, Sloane soon will be gone all day everyday. And I will do ????? I never thought I would be blessed to be home with Sloane for this long. Every family does what works for them and this is what has worked for us. Whether it was because of the laryngeal cleft, feeding tube or just natural progression...I have been loving being home with Sloane.

Somedays, I feel like the general public thinks my time has run out. Sloane has made great progress so I should now go back to work!! Embrace my career and the lifestyle of a working mom.  I have noticed lately that people close to me may want me to get a J.O.B. as well. Im feeling some behind the back daggers bc my days are not as professionally stressful as theirs. My hubby asks me each day what we are going to do or did and honestly the answers 50% of the time are pretty lame. We arent exactly breaking any world records each day. Lately, I don't have to answer the question of "what did you do today?" anymore because Sloane does (more on this in another post.....hysterical).

Tonight as Sloane put her backpack on and told me she would be back from school in a lil while, my hubby asked her if he could come with her to school and she said "no". But when he asked her if mommy could come with her to school, she said "yeah, sure." That's my girl!!!

Ready OR Not

The wheeze is still here almost like a house guest who has over stayed his welcome. I had breakfast with one of my oldest friends today who instantly asked about the wheeze. Some people ask about other people's pets, my friends, who read the blog, ask about the wheeze. I completely welcome it though because with each discussion, I learn something new about their experiences or general life. I enjoy learning from others as a mom.

 Anyhow, the wheeze is still here. While I was talking about the wheeze, I decided that by mid-week a visit to Dr. Reibman may be necessary. I hadn't thought about doing that until I said it out loud this morning over my 2nd sip of coffee. I want to know if this wheeze is upper airway or pulmonary. Actually, I do not want to know. I need to know!!  I wonder is there just some mucus or saliva sitting of Sloane's cleft waiting to be swallowed or cleared away??

On a I am a normal mom note, I THINK my hubby and I have decided to move Sloane into a big girl bed. We are skipping the toddler bed stage and going right to the full size bed. Sloane has been asking and we have been tossing the idea around so tomorrow may be the day!! This brings some new concerns for me to be worried about. Will she stay in her bed? Will she not be one of the 5 little monkeys in her bed? Will she adapt to the new bedtime routine without hesitation? I know we need to do it now because we (yes, the both of us) are leaving Sloane for 4 days and 3 nights in one month......36 days to be exact. GOD HELP ME!!!!

My hubby has won a very prestigious award at work and part of that is a luxurious trip. Now, I am beyond excited to hit a beach and relax, but I am also anxious about the fact that we (as in both of us together) have never left Sloane for more than 1 night. And for those 24 hours, I think I called home at least 10 times. Our 4 days away should be interesting!! lol As for the big girl bed, I want  Sloane to be settled into her routine for all those who will be sharing custody of her while we are away so this week seems like a good time to do the big move.