I spent the next hour telling my hubby the news, shaking my head because I used to wonder if the mickey button would be present for Sloane's 1st day of kindergarten, and then I called Dr. K's office to make an appointment to have the mickey button out. I told her secretary Gail, who I know well, that it wasnt an emergency and did not have to be this week. But because of 4th of July next week, the 1st appointment she had was Monday, July 9th so I took it. I called my hubby to tell him when we would be going in. His response was July 9th??? Why so long?
And so the conversation began of me telling him that I brushed past this week and there was no availability next week so July 9th. With that came some probing by my hubby as to why I didnt want this week. So I admitted it....I am afraid. I am afraid to lose my safety net. I am afraid that something bad is going to happen. I am afraid to go back to the dark place we started in almost 2 years ago. Of course, my hubby rationalized with me, brought me back from the brink, suggested I called some of my circle of trust if I needed more opinions and then said the day is up to you as her mom. I called Gail back to find out if this week would work before I got ahead of myself and yes, it would. Dr. K had an opening tomorrow, Wednesday, June 27th at 3pm. Tomorrow HOLY SHIT was my thought??? I'll take it I said. Before hanging up I asked Gail what time she left the office in case I changed my mind.
And so I made some calls. Calls to get reaffirmation. I called one of the aunties. The one who kicks my ass when I am failing. After she showered me with wonderful compliments about how my mothering is what got Sloane to where she is today. She said, she understood my fears, but ultimately agreed with my hubby. Tomorrow sounded like a perfect day to get a mickey button out. Let it go, she said. And so I called my brother. He, on the other hand, felt my fears were founded but didnt agree with them at all. HA! In his no nonsense manner said that's it, it's over, let her move on, she is perfect, she did her job, get it out so we dont have to see it anymore. Lastly, I left mammie a very calm message discussing a few different unimportant things and I slid in to the voicemail about the mickey button coming out tomorrow of July 9th and the fact that I was conflicted about it all. She called me back 3 times in 3 minutes with 3 different voice mails telling me with 3 different diplomatic versions that tomorrow is the day.... not July 9th.
Since tomorrow became the day that will change our lives I havent stopped thinking, being quiet, reflecting and almost crying. When I finally got around to opening my mouth, I called tit-ti and told her. She, too, was taken back but asked if I was okay. My answer was a flat out NO. I am so emotional. My hubby, as he promised weeks ago, is on cloud nine. Tomorrow is the day that will make him happier than he has been since the moment Sloane crashed into our lives. I am, too, beyond happy, I am relieved, I am proud of my daughter, I am scared to death, I am nervous, and I am afraid that now that our world's spin is slowing down...the past 22 months will hit me square in the heart.
There was a time when I didnt know if I would be able to handle having a medically challenged child because it was all too much in the beginning, there was a time when I worried my hubby and I would end this journey less of a couple instead of more of a couple as we have, there was a time when I thought I would alienate myself from my friends with children with no medical needs because I couldn't relate to their normalcy, there was a time when I thought I would drive my childless friends away because I was sad about Sloane's teeny tiny birth defect when they weren't blessed with children of their own, there was a time when I thought a feeding tube was going to be Sloane's nemesis, there was a time when I could not bare the thought of a 2nd child because Sloane's needs all encompassing, there was a time when I never thought I would get back the emotional and mental parts of me that I repressed because Sloane needed all of me.
Tomorrow at 3pm our lives will change once again. They will change they way they did on July 26th, 2010 when Sloane stopped eating any nutrition by mouth, and on August 2, 2010 when we go our diagnosis of a Laryngeal Cleft, and on August 31, 2010 when Sloane had her g-tube surgery. Wednesday, June 27th, 2012 is day that be forever marked in our hearts. Wish us luck!!!
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