The word school is floating around my house like a piece of dust that never settles long enough to wipe away. School as in: what preschool will Sloane go to in September and when will Tarra go back her teaching job at school in September. The word school is really getting under my skin.
I know that Sloane is ready to go to school. Call it mother's intuition OR the fact that Sloane puts on her backpack, dancing shoes every morning and then looks me dead in the face and says
"bye, mom (I'm no longer momma or mommy). I leave you now. I'm going to school to play with the kids" and my heart aches. Sloane will be 3 in July, although most days it feels like she is already 6.
Truth be told, if it wasnt cold/flu season I would have already put her in a pre-school program. She is ready and I am not. I am embarrassed to say that I am not ready for Sloane to leave 2 1/2 hours 3X a day. In fact, I am not ready for her new dance class this Friday which is the big girl's class.....meaning moms arent allowed in the room!!! I have already started internally obsessing about it. This will be the first time I have let Sloane go somewhere without my shadow trailing right behind. My hubby loves to bust my balls about Sloane going school to the point that I tear up. She is so excited to go to school! I do want her to be independent, but I want her to want to be with her momma just the same. That's the first reason why our constant dinner conversation revolves around school......
The other reason school comes up is the million dollar question. Sloane going to preschool is a definite, me going back to teaching in September is not exactly a definite.
So each day, someone says:
are you going back to school?
when are you going back to school?
do you want to go back to school?
how long will school hold your classroom?
what will you do if you do not go back to school?
I know I need a life of my own. In 2 short years, Sloane soon will be gone all day everyday. And I will do ????? I never thought I would be blessed to be home with Sloane for this long. Every family does what works for them and this is what has worked for us. Whether it was because of the laryngeal cleft, feeding tube or just natural progression...I have been loving being home with Sloane.
Somedays, I feel like the general public thinks my time has run out. Sloane has made great progress so I should now go back to work!! Embrace my career and the lifestyle of a working mom. I have noticed lately that people close to me may want me to get a J.O.B. as well. Im feeling some behind the back daggers bc my days are not as professionally stressful as theirs. My hubby asks me each day what we are going to do or did and honestly the answers 50% of the time are pretty lame. We arent exactly breaking any world records each day. Lately, I don't have to answer the question of "what did you do today?" anymore because Sloane does (more on this in another post.....hysterical).
Tonight as Sloane put her backpack on and told me she would be back from school in a lil while, my hubby asked her if he could come with her to school and she said "no". But when he asked her if mommy could come with her to school, she said "yeah, sure." That's my girl!!!
I commented on a post a few days ago, but realize that it somehow did not go through. (Darn technology!) We also have a wheeze in our house. Collin's normal chronic cough got out of hand the past three weeks. X-ray showed some streaking in lower lobes and pediatrician heard some crackling when she listened to his lungs. We did five days of antibiotics and he seemed better for a day...it then proceeded to get worse. We just finished a five day course of oral steroids after a recheck left us with "the wheeze." Inhaled albuterol and his normal dose of flovent do nothing. I think we are FINALLY out of the woods and back to just our "normal cough." I think the temporary injection in th cleft is also starting to wear off, which means back to the simply thick. Repair is scheduled two weeks from now and we are all anxious. The poor little boy is constantly saying things hurt (stomach, nose, neck, toe, throat, etc), he has started to have potty accidents (which he has never had), and he is waking at night. I have even had to pick him up from preschool twice because he says he is not feeling well. I know it is just the anxiety playing out and pschosomatic symptoms, but it is hard to watch him struggle with the emotions. In the past, we would wait until a day or two before a surgery/procedure to tell him. At 4 1/2 he is becoming increasingly more aware and hears what the doctors say as we drag him from appointment to appointment. I am sure he can sense my anxiety as well. SOrry for going on and on and on! I would love to pick your brain about recovery from the cleft repair. How long were you in the hospital after the surgery? Any time in the PICU? Our doctor said some patients are good to go home the next day, others not so much. A lot of unknowns. If you ever want to email, my address is gdorso@yahoo.com. Thinking of you and so happy to have stumbled upon your blog.
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Gina