After 7 weeks or 51 days, Sloane finally came home from the hospital. We found out on a Tuesday that she was coming home on Friday. We were preparing, but the reality was scary. I remember wishing that we could stay for one more week because my hubby was traveling the ENTIRE first week Sloane was home. We came home on a Friday and he left on a Sunday. Our circle of trust signed up for shifts and I was not alone for one minute.
Now, here is where the post gets funny. I told everyone many, many times that we needed to be alone all weekend so we could find our groove as a family of 3. I felt guilty saying this because our families were dying to spend time with Sloane in the comforts of a home not a hospital room but it was the way I wanted it or thought I did.
I remember the day so clearly. It was Friday, September 10th. I was a sea of emotions. Discharge wasnt exactly what it would be for a a baby without a medical need. It was a high alert day. There were medical forms to read and digest, meds to be responsible for, prescriptions to fill, syringes to pull and push correctly, surgical dressings to change, a feeding pump to run, medical supplies to unpack, specialized formula to make and a newborn to care for. It was overwhelming. The care ride home you could hear a pin drop as we sat in bumper to bumper traffic for double the time it should have taken us to come home.
Once home, our refrigerator was filled by mammie and she was awaiting our arrival. We came in the door and it was feed time. The pump, the meds, the formula, the feeding tube, the silence, the long gone safety nets of nurses....all of it made me crumble to pieces! And so I cried, and cried and cried. I couldnt stop. I cried for hours. I couldnt control it. The girl who clearly told all our loved ones they couldnt come over for 2 days until my husband was gone was hanging on mammie and nonni begging them to not leave me. I was so afraid. I couldnt get a handle. I knew all the procedures, I knew how to take care of my daughter, I knew her better then anyone...yet, I couldnt stop crying. I kept apologizing..saying if I cold stop crying I would. I am sure on some level they were all concerned, yet on another understood the magnitude of what was happening to me. I was solely responsible for Sloane's health and that very normal fact had dropped me to my knees. My father called and asked how it was going, I burst into long sobbing cry and said "I miss mommy". And so there was soon another person in my living room. That same scenario played out once again with Sloane's Godmother. And then there were 6......
I remember eating dinner with Sloane in the bouncy seat across from me crying and apologizing to everyone there. I kept saying if I could stop crying I would. By the wee hours of the morning, I relaxed some and we assumed our positions. That would be the ones of staring at Sloane all night to be sure she was breathing. Once you child turns blue in front of you once, you never forget it or stop fearing it.
And so our positions didnt change much for a month. We hunkered down and did find a groove. We did not take Sloane out of the house for a month. She didnt enter the real world until she was 3 months old! It was an exhausting, ridiculously challenging, pressure filled to the minute schedule, but it was one. When I think about what Sloane's care was like when she first came home, I cant believe what our loved ones did for us. I wasn't alone for a month. They gave up their sleep, they embraced the cliff note version of how to care for an infant with a feeding tube, and they took care of all stuff we couldnt manage.
Below is the email I sent to our circle of trust. It sounds like everything was under control......NOT!!!
Back to Memory Lane
9/11/2010
the day after we came home from the NICU
hi everyone!! sloane is FINALLY home!! we came home last night. we are still finding our groove. it was quite scary to leave the safety nets at the hospital and be on our own!! im sure in a few weeks sloane's feeding routine/procedure will feel like 2nd nature!!
alan is away for work this week so our friends/families are staying with me!! thank god!!
thank you for all your support during our stay in the NICU! we are very thankful to have all the love and care surrounding us that we do!! we are looking toward healthier, happier and more relaxed days as the months go on.
xo
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