Finding My Center

I sat down tonight to write a blog that has been on my back burner brain for a while now, but I am so fucking rip roaring pissed at the Substitute Teacher in my classroom at this moment that I cant find that special place in my heart to write from. lol!! Now, I know that when you have had an experience like mine of having a child with a special medical need, certain things should not bother you. You know the saying: Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.

There was a time when I didn't sweat anything but Sloane's laryngeal cleft. I cared about things, but I certainly didn't fester them or dwell on them. Now, that I think of it. It was a nice time in my life. And it wasn't chemistry induced either. I am a firm believer in happiness thru chemistry. I was just focused on Sloane's health and nothing else truly mattered. I can remember when my brother would ask me about certain situations; my answer would be "I have a child with a hole in her throat, that doesn't matter to me." It was harsh, but true. And I am sure my attitude was difficult for the circle of trust to navigate around.

Tonight, I am writing from a difference place. Probably a more balanced place. I am writing from a place that gives a shit about general life. Sloane is in a good place. She is drinking. She is off the tube. She is healthy at this moment. She is tolerating thinner liquids. She is interested in drinking. She is on forward moving track until her next scope on October 30th with Dr. Rahbar. With all that being said, I now can breath and have been breathing more and more each day since the moment her feeding tube came out. With each breath came a "oh, yes, this is our life" and so I give a shit about outside world.

So, tonight I cant blog my very special blog. I am down right ugly inside right now. I am going "find my center" before I head to bed. LOL!! I love that one. One of the NICU nurses used to say that to Sloane and I still do when she is spinning out of control. It seems tonight that my hubby had to say the same to me as I was on a complete tyrant about my 16 years of teaching materials that are no longer in safe keeping. I am finding my center!!! We hope!!

To all my colleagues, have a wonderful school year! This "on a leave" teacher will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending her positive thoughts your way. Although I wont be in a classroom tomorrow, we will have something in common. We are working at the hardest jobs on the planet..... being a mom and being a teacher.