Momma Me

It is very sad when you daughter sees a picture of your from 13 years ago and has not a clue that it is you!! Yesterday, I thought to myself.....hmmmmm, did I check the date of expiration on my hubby's passport?? To say that I am getting a bit nervous about forgetting something for our trip is an understatement!! Anyhow, I pulled out the passports and because I am a saver...I had kept my old one! Sloane wanted to play with one so the expired seemed the most logical to give her. Our, up to date 3, were tucked back into the safe.

Sloane opens the passport up that was current from 2000-2010 and asks me who the girl is with the big eyes?!?! I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh my ass off. I said "Sloane, that is momma." She replied (out of the mouths of babes)...."Momma, what happened to you? Why you look so different now?" And then proceed to point to pictures in my bedroom that are current and say..."Momma, this is you. This (holding the passport) isn't you." OMG! At this point, I was about to cry.

I am 41. The expired passport had a picture of me at 27. Now, a lot has happened in these 14 years, but I did still think I looked like a version of myself until yesterday. Hahaha!! It reminded me of when I was pregnant and feeling great....I remembered saying to Gina, my teaching partner, something to the effect that I cant believe how I look the same.....and she laughed her ass off at me....clearly reminding me that I was the size of a house!!

When I compared the old passport's picture with the new one from 4 years ago (I was 37), there were some noticeable aging differences, but it was still me. Sloane only recognizes this me! The 'momma me'! The me that looks a bit tired, overly concerned and somewhat scattered. I remember 2 Easters ago sitting at mammie and poppie's table, when my brother said...."Tots, you need to relax about Sloane. This whole cleft thing has aged you. You can see it in your face."

It is true. I have aged. Basic motherhood has an affect on us and Sloane's health concerns or rather, my constant worry about her laryngeal cleft, dulled me out a bit! I didn't think to the point, that Sloane would not be able to ID me in a line-up!! LOL I can feel the concern or heaviness on my face when it creeps up!

Today, Dr. Rahbar's surgical nurse called to do Sloane's pre-op. Talk about being prepared!! May 5th is a long way away. Christine and I chatted for a while after Sloane answered the phone before I could get to it and said "Hello, who is this please?" Christine was roaring with laughter. There wasn't much new info to report. Sloane's file at Children's is quite detailed, so we only had to go over some directions for the day of. As we were talking about the procedure and its post-op, I could feel the waves of "this sucks" coming over me. My face was aging by the minute!! LOL Sloane might have woken up from her nap and not known it was me even though it was the momma me standing in the kitchen!! And as soon as I hung up with Christine, I thought....Turks & Caicos first, Tarra....you are going to take Sloane to see Elmo...Turks & Caicos Take Me Away!!!!! That thought, in itself,  lightened up the tension that was now sitting around my eyes about May 5th!

Tomorrow, is Sloane's 3 year old Child Find Screening.....let's all hope she uses only appropriate words during moments of frustration if there are any!!!